Disinspirational quotations

[robinturner]

Every so often when I'm searching for pages about a philosopher, or looking for quotations to liven up my lessons (or just to put in my sig file), I come across pages of "inspirational quotations", those pithy yet uplifting sayings that are supposed to help us through the trials of existence. Now I have nothing against this (except for the really pollyanna-ish ones). I frequently mentally quote philosophers to myself under trying circumstances, often adapting them to the current situation, like when I had diarrhea and couldn't find a functioning toilet and found myself inwardly reciting "Diarrhea is a hindrance to the arse, but not to your ability to choose" (a mangled version of a saying by Epictetus).

Nevertheless, too much of the consolations of philosophy, especially dumbed-down philosophy, makes me rebel. I get the urge to make up disinspirational quotations, which should be read by anyone who has had a surfeit of positive thinking, affirmations, self-esteem or other feel-good maladies of our age. Here are a few examples:

"The glass is not half empty. It's completely empty." - anon.
"Anything that doesn't kill me, gives me heartburn." - Friedrich Nitwit
"Every day, in every way, I'm getting older and older." - Norman Vincent Pale
"Everyone has in him something noxious that is in no one else." - Martin Bulbous
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Which of course is now one day shorter." - anon.

Comments

[vret.livejournal.com]

Too many cooks spoils the television.
People who live in glass houses vote to make stones illegal.
A rolling stone gets covered in all sorts of shit.
Hard work never killed anyone born rich.
Lightning always strikes the same damned place over and over again.
People who take risks always die young.
If you want to get somewhere you really shouldn't be starting from here.
There are 3 things needed for success: congenital talent, fanatical attention to detail, and I've forgotten the third.
Home is where your heart is, until you need a transplant.
Babies keep you awake all night with their crying because they are evil.
Just think how much more successful you could have been if your parents had never existed.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. She'll be pleased you did eventually.

[solri.livejournal.com]

I like those, especially "Hard work never killed anyone born rich."

[vret.livejournal.com]

I keep meaning to compile a list of idiotic proverbs. Things like hard work never killed anyone, lightning never strikes twice, and a watched pot never boils.

[solri.livejournal.com]

I forget the comedian who, commenting on the saying "It's always in the last place you look," said "Of course it's in the last place you look. If you found it then kept looking in others places, you'd be a bloody idiot."