Disinspirational quotations

[robinturner]

Every so often when I'm searching for pages about a philosopher, or looking for quotations to liven up my lessons (or just to put in my sig file), I come across pages of "inspirational quotations", those pithy yet uplifting sayings that are supposed to help us through the trials of existence. Now I have nothing against this (except for the really pollyanna-ish ones). I frequently mentally quote philosophers to myself under trying circumstances, often adapting them to the current situation, like when I had diarrhea and couldn't find a functioning toilet and found myself inwardly reciting "Diarrhea is a hindrance to the arse, but not to your ability to choose" (a mangled version of a saying by Epictetus).

Nevertheless, too much of the consolations of philosophy, especially dumbed-down philosophy, makes me rebel. I get the urge to make up disinspirational quotations, which should be read by anyone who has had a surfeit of positive thinking, affirmations, self-esteem or other feel-good maladies of our age. Here are a few examples:

"The glass is not half empty. It's completely empty." - anon.
"Anything that doesn't kill me, gives me heartburn." - Friedrich Nitwit
"Every day, in every way, I'm getting older and older." - Norman Vincent Pale
"Everyone has in him something noxious that is in no one else." - Martin Bulbous
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Which of course is now one day shorter." - anon.