English, Your English

[robinturner]

Every time I return to England, I notice a few changes in the language. For example, last night I learned that 16-24-year-olds who were not in education and had never had a job are called "neats". Or maybe it's "neets" or even "nits" (vowels could have lengthened in my absence). In my day they were called dolies - I remember because I was one.

Prepositions, as John Humphrys points out in Lost For Words, are sliding about alarmingly, or maybe they are sliding around, since "around" is on the increase. You can even "focus around" something now (as some of my bad holiday photos demonstrate). I tried to exploit prepositional ambiguity to my advantage the other day when I was asked not to smoke under a shop awning, by pointing to the sign that forbade smoking "in the premises". Normally this would read "on the premises" but, as I pointed out pedantically, the operative word is "in", and I was not actually in the premises. Needless to say, this sophistry was lost on the shop employee, so I moved two feet into the street, where I could smoke with impunity (unless of course I forgetfully dropped my cigarette end in/on/around the street, in which case I could have received an £80 fine and maybe an ASBO for good measure).

I expected to see more SMS-speak and was not surprised, though I was surprised that not only had it penetrated Darkest Shropshire, but was being used in evangelism. Shortly after my prepositional smoking incident, I saw a man wearing a billboard that started "RU READY 2 MEET YR MAKR ..." and continued in similar vein all the way down to his knees. This was not the result of the quick and clumsy typing that gave us SMS-speak in the first place, since all the letters had been carefully cut out of coloured plastic and glued to the board. Moreover, the fellow was at least as old as me, so it can't have been his native tongue (and even if it were, Shropshire SMS should have words like INR for "isn't", DNR for "doesn't" and R for "he or she"). I can only assume he was trying to be "cool" (or KWL) to appeal to the "kids" (or KDZ). This is something that no one should try unless they are cynical and expert manipulators of pop culture, and is especially embarrassing when attempted by preachers. I remember this kind of thing back in the 1970s, when it was vicars with acoustic guitars and hair brushing daringly over their dog collars. They would even try halting hippie-talk like "God will blow your mind." You had the King James Bible and you sold it for this pot of message. (Sorry, that was corny, but I couldn't resist.)

Perceptive readers, especially if they happen to be my students, may cry foul here. Do I not pepper my speech with neologisms? Do I not give classes on The Matrix and talk endlessly about BTVS and Heroes when I should be teaching things like punctuation and paragraphing? Ah, but that is different. I am not a sad, middle-aged man trying to get down with the kids; I am the teacher, and that makes me God. What I do is cool by definition, and anyone who says otherwise will get a D. I am also a brilliant Corsican general who will unify Europe.

Speaking of "cool", I noticed that it is belatedly giving way to other terms of approval, notably "funky". I welcome this, as I am fed up with almost everything being described as "cool". I also recommend reviving "groovy" and maybe "fab".

Comments

[eve-prime.livejournal.com]

"Cool" is pretty passé here - I use it all the time, but I'm 45. I think "awesome" is in. It's about time for "swell" to make a comeback.

[solri.livejournal.com]

I would recommend "swell" to my American friends, but I don't think it works with an English accent. "Jolly good", anyone?

[eve-prime.livejournal.com]

These days I expect the British to say "brilliant" or "brill," but that probably comes from too much exposure to Bridget Jones and Ron Weasley.

[cassielsander.livejournal.com]

It's definitely time for some new pimply hyperboles.

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

I've been quietly reviving "groovy" for years, which seems to amuse people as I'm remarkably unbohemian. A Scottish friend at work says "fabby", but I've never quite worked out whether this is a great word in itself or just a great word when said in an Edinburgh accent.

I've never heard of "neats", whatever the spelling. I've always referred to that group as "young unemployed people".

I cannot abide any attempt on the part of adults who should know better to write as they imagine children and teenagers do. It's wrong, patronising and unfunny, and if it had ever been done when I was a child I should have curled my toes with sheer embarrassment and written them a very serious letter in perfect grammar pointing out why it was a bad idea. These days I still curl my toes, but I don't bother writing, since there is rarely any point. I'm still clenching my teeth at the advertisements they were running on the trams to try to encourage children to have their travel passes on them; I think they've discontinued them now, thankfully, but until quite recently it was difficult to get on a tram without seeing a poster of a dour-faced cartoon teenager waving a pass above the legend "Don't forget to bling it!" I'm not even going to start to enumerate all the things that are wrong with that.

And I'm a practising Christian, but I'd still have given the txtspk preacher a filthy look, I'm afraid!

[redngold.livejournal.com]

Teenagers need embarrassing - that's what they're for. And...I can't imagine why being a practicing Christian would stop you doing anything.

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

Well, y'know, it really isn't good form to look daggers at a preacher. I'm sure the chap means awfully well. :-)

[kristian.livejournal.com]

Streuth! What a bonza entry tha shit b da bomb!

There's a Simpsons episode about the hippy preacher. But then again, there's a Simpsons episode about everything. or is it anything?

[several-bees.livejournal.com]

Whereabouts in England are you staying?

[(Anonymous)]

In Shrewsbury at the moment, then I'll be in Leeds on Saturday, then back to Ankara on sunday.

[jaipur.livejournal.com]

::chuckle:: Love the prepositional smoking episode. :) And yeah, I use "cool" all the time and it's very clear that I am neither young or cool. ;)

[vret.livejournal.com]

Heard an interesting tale in a radio interview with Andy Tillison a few weeks back. He was teaching a class of 16 year olds and thought he would test the common assumption that their heads would explode, or worse, if they were played some prog rock, a type of music none of them had never heard and had no idea existed. He decided not to play them something easy, but went straight for Relayer. They absolutely loved it, and when he asked them to describe it they talked it over and decided the right word for it was "funky". He was rather surprised by that, but they explained that they didn't mean it in the James Brown sense, but from its old meaning of the bits of hot metal that fly off when welding.