The Compleat Spammer

[robinturner]

Thanks to subbes, I've just read Dave Barry's wonderful review of Send, the latest Netiquette guide to hit the bookshelves. I find the idea of a book on how to write e-mail rather odd, like a radio programme about television, but I shouldn't be prejudiced. After all, I own a weighty tome about writing web applications in PHP and MySQL, which is very useful; for example, it is exactly the right thickness to use as a pillow when doing the Alexander Technique lying-on-the-floor exercise.

Seriously though, I'm sure Send is a valuable resource for those who want to write better e-mails. The problem is that most of the poeple who write annoying e-mails aren't interested in improving them, in much the same way that people who can't be bothered to use a spell-checker are unlikely to read The Chicago Manual of Style. Spammers, in particular, are not going to read this book, so what we need is a guide to spamming etiquette which can be mass-mailed to all spammers. (Of course this would only be a brief summary; for the full version, they would need to visit our website to by the CD, which comes complete with over 1,000 programs that the government doesn't want you to know about!)

Here is the kind of thing I'm thinking about.

1. Send the kind of spam you would like to receive.
Do you have a small penis? Do you even have one at all? In either case, do you want to be reminded of the fact?

2. Reply promptly
When people want viagra, they want it now.

3. Don't deny who you are; be proud of it.
76% of Internet downloads are pornography and 85% of all e-mail is spam. Actually, I made those figures up, but they probably aren't far from the truth; the point is that by spamming, you are contributing to the development of the information superhighway (largely by ensuring that they will need to build extra lanes to cope with the traffic). If your spam contains links to pornographic sites, that's even better. So don't try to disguise your spam by pasting in pages of novels or technical manuals; proclaim it loudly: "Spam spam-spaaaam, loverly spam!"

4. Don't forget the personal touch
One of the problems with e-mail is its anonymity, and this is particularly true when you are sending mails to millions of recipients. Nevertheless, there are some things you can do to give your spam the personal touch. Ask about the kids, for example: "How are the kids doing? Are they embarrassed by their penis size too?" or just "High res pr0n films 4 yr kidz!!"

5. Cultivate a suitable writing style.
Walk like an Egyptian, write like a Nigerian. The 419, or "Nigerian scam", is the apogee of spamming style. It matters not that anyone with such a high position in Nigerian society (oil minister, bank owner, widow of deceased dictator) probably has a secretary who was educated at Eton; the 419 is an art form, and one must respect its conventions. On the other hand, if you are pretending to be a major in the British army (see previous post), you should not attempt to treat "demise" as though it were a verb. That is for majors in the US army.

Comments

Alexander Technique

[(Anonymous)]

For anyone who wants to learn more about the Alexander Technique, check out the website at http://alexandertechnique.com

Re: Alexander Technique

[solri.livejournal.com]

Good site.

[vret.livejournal.com]

No point in a salutation, it's in the header. Unlike a letter, the destination info isn't going to be separated from the body of the missive. Anyway, an email can be addressed to lots of people at once.

As for a signature, the only sort worth bothering with is generated by GPG.

When I get an email with a salutation and a signature I always get the feeling that it's from someone who doesn't really get it, even when I know they do. I'll admit I sometimes add a sig to emails myself if I don't know the recipient, just in case they don't realise that the From header is what they should be looking at.

[solri.livejournal.com]

Huh hhuhuhuh huhuh.

[vret.livejournal.com]

I did knowed what you meaneded.

[solri.livejournal.com]

I always tell my students that the From header isn't enough, and they need to put their name somewhere in the body. On a good day, I can remember that Ali Sütçüoğlu is one of my students, but badassali@hotmail.com won't tell me much.

[vret.livejournal.com]

The From header should have their full name in it as well as the email address. Of course, if they want more identification than name and company they may have to include a sig, eg

Trevor Prinn
Director, Babbacombe Computers Ltd