Disinspirational quotations

Every so often when I'm searching for pages about a philosopher, or looking for quotations to liven up my lessons (or just to put in my sig file), I come across pages of "inspirational quotations", those pithy yet uplifting sayings that are supposed to help us through the trials of existence. Now I have nothing against this (except for the really pollyanna-ish ones). I frequently mentally quote philosophers to myself under trying circumstances, often adapting them to the current situation, like when I had diarrhea and couldn't find a functioning toilet and found myself inwardly reciting "Diarrhea is a hindrance to the arse, but not to your ability to choose" (a mangled version of a saying by Epictetus).

Nevertheless, too much of the consolations of philosophy, especially dumbed-down philosophy, makes me rebel. I get the urge to make up disinspirational quotations, which should be read by anyone who has had a surfeit of positive thinking, affirmations, self-esteem or other feel-good maladies of our age. Here are a few examples:

"The glass is not half empty. It's completely empty." - anon.
"Anything that doesn't kill me, gives me heartburn." - Friedrich Nitwit
"Every day, in every way, I'm getting older and older." - Norman Vincent Pale
"Everyone has in him something noxious that is in no one else." - Martin Bulbous
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Which of course is now one day shorter." - anon.

Discipline and Punish (in easy lessons)

I recently wrote: "according to Nietzsche, people in the past had really bad memories, so witnessing someone being flayed alive or broken on the wheel was a handy mnemonic."

Come to think of it, I'm not sure if "mnemonic" is the right word here. Mnemonics along these lines might be more like the following ...

    Do not take up arms to steal,
      Or you'll be broken on the wheel.
    Talk not behind another's back,
      For you may end up on the rack.
    Take not the fruits of others' toil,
      Or you will end up boiled in oil.
    And if you chop the sacred tree,
      Wrapped round it will your innards be.

That last one was a real punishment in ancient Germany, something fluffy-bunny pagans should pause to consider.