Vacation Tips

[robinturner]

With the holiday season coming, here are some tips for travel in America, compiled from careful observation of the dangers awaiting holiday-makers on film.

1. With the exception of the Orient Express, the best way to travel is by train. Failing that, either rent a car from a reputable agency or take your own car in for a service, so you do not end up hitch-hiking in the middle of the Badlands.
2. For the same reason, join a breakdown service, remember to take your mobile phone with you, and remember to keeep the battery charged.
3. Buy a good, up-to-date map, and trust it. If you see a turning which is not on the map, do not say "Honey, I think this might be a shortcut."
4. Do not stop at motels which have erratically flashing neon signs.
5. Do not spend the night in any town that has people called Hank or Bubba.
6. If you do get stuck in this kind of town, don't trust the sherrif, call the state police, or better still, your old pal at the FBI.
7. If you stop for gas and your significant other says, "I'll just go and get us something from this store," go with him/her.
8. Do not go into bars that have motorbikes parked outside or where the patrons play pool and sport tattoos.
9. If you really must camp, pitch your tent in a well-supervised camping site, not in the middle of the woods or in an Indian burial ground.
10. Do not stay in old log cabins. If you do, take any artifacts outside and burn them, just to be on the safe side.
11. If you receive dire warnings from old men, please take them seriously. These guys managed to live to be ninety for a good reason.
12. If you find an old leather-bound book in the place you are staying, sell it to an antiquarian book-dealer without reading it.
13. If you hear a strange noise in the night, don't go and see what it is, just load your shotgun.
14. You didn't bring a shotgun? Sorry, should have put that at the top of the list.
15. The local phone system will not work. You did bring that mobile, didn't you?

Comments

[xlnyc.livejournal.com]

absolute genius

[solri.livejournal.com]

Why thank you! It was inspired to some extent by Peter's Evil Overlord List (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html).