robinturner | Today Baghdad, tomorrow the fiery pit

Solri News Agency:

Speculation is rife that if the war in Iraq goes to plan, America's next target will not be Iran or Syria, but Hell.

"It has all the signs of a rogue state," said Dick Finger, a retired CIA operative. "A dictatorial regime, weapons of mass destruction, disregard for human rights and a stubborn refusal to abide by the resolutions of the IMF, sorry, the UN." It is thought that Hell's famous lakes of sulphur may actually be laboratories for manufacturing chemical weapons. "We are particularly concerned about such dual-use facilities," Finger added.

Pundits on the Left think America may go after Satan, but for different reasons. "It's all a matter of oil," one critic said. "To stoke all those fires, they must be swimming in the stuff." Professor Naomi Chumski of MIT claimed that there was "a deliberate media conspiracy to misrepresent Hell as some kind of sinister force for evil."

Senator Harvey J. Hawker Jnr. (Rep.) was not impressed: "It's not about oil, it's about removing a tyrant. Everyone knows how Satan has been torturing his own people. We got to go down and liberate those souls." The senator had earlier been reported as saying "Satan is the enemy of God," but a press officer said his words had been taken out of context. "We have the utmost respect for all religions, including Satanism," she said.

Surprisingly, public support for war seems strong. Citizens have been seen outside the Whitehouse with placards reading "Bush, go to Hell!"